Staplers are red
Our boss’ tie is blue.
It sucks that we have to work
But it would suck a lot more without you.
—Anonymous office employee, 1650
As Valentine’s Day rapidly approaches, we find ourselves scrambling to finalize flower deliveries and rack our brains to remember if so-and-so is allergic to peanuts or loves them. In the midst of this madness, we wanted to take a moment to reflect on the wretched state work would be if our favorite coworker suddenly left our collective of cubes. They are the silent heroes who don’t get enough credit for the everyday achievements that amount to miracles over time and make work better for everyone in the office.
So, most beloved and cherished of coworking cohorts, how much do we love thee? Let us count the ways (there are six).
Thank you for…
1. Always keeping your shoes on in the office. I mean is it THAT hard!?
The entire office, myself included, have a deep philosophical appreciation that each of your ten toes is as unique as the grains of sand on the cosmic beach of the Milky Way Galaxy. Your ability to shield your pristine phalanges from our faces without reservation is what makes you not just a great coworker but a true friend.
2. Never abusing the “Reply All” button. You are a true hero.
Let’s be honest: our yearning to know if you will be able to attend today’s lunch meeting is, in a word, palpable. But you understand that when it comes to emails, less is more. You don’t feel the need to spam our inboxes with incessant “received” replies or emojicons expressing your delight for pizza or … well, probably pizza today. We’ll just see you waltz in cavalier as always and we’ll be surprised as well as delighted by your presence.
3. Understanding meetings before 10 o’clock amount to cruel and unusual punishment.
The lights wouldn’t even turn on in this building in the morning without you here, bright and early, to turn them on and save us from all stumbling around in the dark cursing evolution for not giving us echolocation capabilities. But the reason you are up for canonization in all of our books is because you know for mere mortals like the rest of us, ten o’clock is just too early for a meeting. You know it, and you won’t ever let any of us suffer by forgetting it.
4. Being helpful at work & heroic at happy hour.
It takes a selfless individual to help unjam the printer on a Thursday at 4:45pm. That combined with the blunderbuss of superhuman enthusiasm you bring to every work happy hour it feels like you should lead the Avengers in their next over budget, star-bloated adventure, you’re just the best. Not all heroes wear capes… except the time you sang “Kryptonite” by 3 Doors Down ” karaoke at Horan’s Snuggery. Good times.
5. Being the only coworker at work I don’t have to complain about.
Seriously, how do you do it!? No matter how hard I try– and believe me, I do– on a daily basis to catch you red-handed Yelping restaurants, planning your best friend’s bachelor party in Vegas, or curled up under your desk George Costanza-style on the company dime, I come up empty. You truly are a great coworker! I swear if I didn’t love and respect you so much I’d hate you for it.
6. You know, actually doing your job so I don’t have to hate you. It’s the little things <3.
All in all you’re just the cat’s pajamas when it comes to doing the one thing that makes all of us here at the office truly appreciate you: you do your job. These four little words make the biggest difference and stop all of us from talking smack about you behind your back and secretly plotting against you.
On today of all days when love is shown for capitalistic gain of the super-elite and overly lovestruck, we want to thank you for being a bangarang coworker and the reason work gives us the feels every day. Please never leave, we’d be lost without you.
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